Hate Me
by She'sGotHighHopes
Summary: A songfic to Blue October's Hate Me.  M rating is just to be safe.  Cupcakes probably won't like this story.  Be warned.


I don't own them. I'm just using them for my sick and twisted pleasure : )

**Songfic based on the song "Hate Me" by Blue October. I don't own the song either.**

**Morelli's POV**

The living room was in disarray, but I couldn't find the strength to care. I knew I looked like shit, but a shower and a change of clothes seemed like too much work at the moment. I sat in the darkness clutching the picture frame in my hand. It was too dark to see the picture, but it was engraved in my brain. I would never forget that picture.

It was of my Cupcake and I at our wedding. She was wearing the most beautiful white gown and her smile was bright and genuine. I had won her heart. She had chosen me over Manoso and I couldn't have been happier. Our wedding day had been the happiest day of our life together. I had thought that we would always be like that. We had a bright future ahead of us, a home and family, birthdays and holidays, just being together.

Steph had quit her job and become the typical Burg housewife. She hadn't been the greatest cook, but she did improve. Every night when I came home from work, she would be standing at the door waiting, dinner on the table and a smile on her beautiful face. I had dreamed about this life for so long, since I was eight years old and had convinced her to play choo choo in my father's garage. I had loved her for as long as I could remember.

And somehow, I fucked it all up.

I could blame the Morelli genes that had passed on to me, but that was a cop out. I had let all my insecurities take over. I don't know why I felt that way; Stephanie had always put me first. She had lost contact with her friends and as far as I knew, she hadn't spoken to Manoso since before our wedding day. She devoted herself to me, my happiness, and I let her down. All I could think of was that it was all an act. She wasn't really happy with me. She had never wanted to be the Burg, and marrying me meant that she had to settle. The thoughts invaded me until the only escape I could find was at the bottom of a bottle.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head 

_**They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed**_

_**Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone**_

_**Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.**_

_**There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain**_

_**An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?**_

_**And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?**_

_**And will you never try to reach me?**_

_**It is I that wanted space**_

And just like the Morelli men before me, I was a mean drunk. I don't know when I lost control, but I remember the first time I took it out on Stephanie. She had burned the meatloaf a little, something that would usually make me laugh. That one day, though, it made me angry. I will never forget the look on her face after I hit her, knocking her into the dining room wall. Her hand had moved to cover her bruised cheek, her eyes wide in shock. If I hadn't been drunk, I would have run to comfort her, but her reaction made me even angrier. I beat her so badly that she ended up in the emergency room with a broken wrist.

Hate me today 

_**Hate me tomorrow**_

_**Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.**_

_**Hate me in ways**_

_**Yeah ways hard to swallow**_

_**Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.**_

The next three months went by just as badly. Stephanie had made so many trips to the hospital that the nurses actually lost count. She never blamed me, though. She told them that she had fallen down the stairs or had gotten into a car accident. I know they didn't believe her, though. I don't blame them. By that time, everybody in the Burg knew that I had succumbed to the infamous Morelli Man Syndrome. If Manoso hadn't been out of the country on business, I'm sure he would have paid me a little visit. Hell, I deserved to be killed. I almost killed my Cupcake. The last time I beat her, she spent the next three days in the ICU. Eddie and Carl arrested me, and I spent the night in lockup. My fellow officers were disgusted with the man I had become. Stephanie was their friend and I had hurt her.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with 

_**The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again**_

_**In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night**_

_**While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.**_

_**You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate**_

_**You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take**_

_**So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind**_

_**And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.**_

When Steph came home from the hospital, she locked me in the house and forced me through detox. I am amazed that she cared so much about me after all the horrible things that I had done to her. I had shattered her trust in me. I was her husband, and I broke her spirit.

She stayed in the house with me, suffering through my rants of rage and threats against her life. Yes, I threatened to kill her time and time again. She didn't leave, though. She sat in front of me and let me scream, let me threaten her. The fear was in her eyes, but she never left. After four days of Hell, I realized what I had done. I had promised to love and cherish my Cupcake and all I did was hurt her. I hurt her more than anybody had ever hurt her. She said she still loved me, she always would, and that she would never leave me. I believed her and it broke my heart. I looked in her eyes and the Steph I fell in love with was gone. What was left was a dull, lifeless shell of the woman that she used to be. All the joy was gone. And when I realized that I had done that to her, I wanted to die.

Hate me today

_**Hate me tomorrow**_

_**Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you**_

_**Hate me in ways**_

_**Yeah ways hard to swallow**_

_**Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you**_

Steph kept me locked in the house for three weeks. She didn't leave me, she didn't blame me. All she wanted to do was to help me. This amazing woman had suffered through Hell and pulled me back from the edge. I had lost my job, lost my reputation and respect in myself, but she never left me. Steph never doubted me. And although she had succeeded in saving my life, I knew that I was killing her. I loved her so much. I was terrified of losing her. She wouldn't leave me, but for her safety and her sanity, I had to let her go. I had to figure out how to let her get that light back, even if it meant that I had to push her away.

I had been sober for a month and a half when I finally got up the courage to save her. There was only one person who I could trust to make her happy. I hated the man with a passion, but I knew that he would be here in the blink of an eye. He had always been in love with my Cupcake. I had seen the black cars parked nearby every day. He must be back and had his men watching her. Keeping her safe. If only he had stepped in before I almost destroyed her.

With trembling hands, I called him. He seemed surprised to hear my voice and I could hear the barely controlled rage in his. I told him my plan, asked him to come to the house at six. He agreed and hung up. As I put the phone back in its cradle, I felt the tears fall down my face.

Manoso arrived on time. When Steph opened the door, I could tell by the way her body tensed that she was shocked. She turned to look at me and her eyes widened when I appeared with her bags, all packed and ready to go.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave 

_**Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made**_

_**And like a baby boy I never was a man**_

_**Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand**_

_**And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"**_

_**Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be**_

_**And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"**_

Her eyes filled with tears when she realized what was going on. She walked up to me and cradled my face in her hands, begging me not to make her go. Promising to be a better wife. Good God, she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I destroyed her. I broke her spirit. She wasn't my Cupcake anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her anymore. I couldn't save her. As much as it hurt to admit it, only Manoso could save her. He could bring her back to who she was. He could make her smile again, make her happy. She may still love me and want to save our marriage, but she would never be able to trust me again. And when I got mad at something going on in my life, she would always cringe in fear that I would hurt her again. No, this was the best thing for everyone. And I told her so.

Steph stumbled back, her face numb. Manoso grabbed her bags and took her arm, holding her up. She looked up with him and I saw the shock in his face. He could see the difference in her. He could see that the light in her eyes was gone.

I watched as he led my wife out the door, her following him like a small child. I watched as they got into his car and left. I stared at where the car had been, long after it grew dark. She was gone. I was alone. And I had done it to save her. It was the only thing I could do to make it all better.

Hate me today 

_**Hate me tomorrow**_

_**Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you**_

_**Hate me in ways**_

_**Yeah ways hard to swallow**_

_**Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you**_

_**For you**_

_**For you**_

_**For you**_

_ **(Music and lyrics by Blue October)**_

Okay, I know I seem to be a little angsty today, but I love this song and I've been trying to figure out how to use it in a story. Please read and review. I'm a review slut and I can't get enough : )


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